The appointment yesterday when great and was the hardest part so far. Kelli, Darin and I went together, really liked the Dr. The staff is friendly and compassionate. I can't imagine having their job.
Since a week ago Friday I have been wrestling. Not sure with what, myself, God or the Devil. Maybe a bit of each. We had decided early on that WE would worship HIM through all of this. Great thought, hard to do. I guess I am learning what it means for me to worship Him. Is it going to church, sitting through through a nice service, singing nice songs, praying and taking communion....well...yes. BUT.....
It's what you do when you wake up at two o clock in the morning and being remind yourself "YOU have cancer".
It's what you do when you wonder if you will be around long enough for your three year old to remember you.
It's what you do when you wonder what you did to get cancer at 39.
Then CHOOSE to remind yourself that
Jesus, the Name above all names, Healer, the Great I AM is also living inside me.
Jesus, the Master, the Bridegroom, loves my family even more than I do.
And remind Satan to stand behind me because I am so loved by the creator of the ALL and His angels are standing guard over me.
And I am going to step forward and
Go to MOPS, Bible Study, fellowship, pray, read the Word and WORSHIP Him because I can worry about this all next week until we get those results of those tests but it won't change a thing. But choosing to worship Him can change a lot.
Who am I going to encounter at the store, the restaurant.
Am I going to be a light?
What can I do for my husband...Kailey...Zane...family....friends.
God see our past, forgives us and know what lies ahead.
Satan can only look behind and remind us of what we did wrong, what has been done to us. Yep, he can just stand behind me then because I need to receive the gift that God has granted me of peace and I can only do that if I am OPEN to receive it.
So what is with the title of this post anyway, I am sinking? well sometimes, is it starting to sink in I have cancer, yeah, kinda...but hopefully it's sinking in that I need to be shapeable, moldable, open to receive Him when all I feel like doing is shutting down. Maybe I am learning what it really means to worship?