The appointment yesterday when great and was the hardest part so far. Kelli, Darin and I went together, really liked the Dr. The staff is friendly and compassionate. I can't imagine having their job.
Since a week ago Friday I have been wrestling. Not sure with what, myself, God or the Devil. Maybe a bit of each. We had decided early on that WE would worship HIM through all of this. Great thought, hard to do. I guess I am learning what it means for me to worship Him. Is it going to church, sitting through through a nice service, singing nice songs, praying and taking communion....well...yes. BUT.....
It's what you do when you wake up at two o clock in the morning and being remind yourself "YOU have cancer".
It's what you do when you wonder if you will be around long enough for your three year old to remember you.
It's what you do when you wonder what you did to get cancer at 39.
Then CHOOSE to remind yourself that
Jesus, the Name above all names, Healer, the Great I AM is also living inside me.
Jesus, the Master, the Bridegroom, loves my family even more than I do.
And remind Satan to stand behind me because I am so loved by the creator of the ALL and His angels are standing guard over me.
And I am going to step forward and
Go to MOPS, Bible Study, fellowship, pray, read the Word and WORSHIP Him because I can worry about this all next week until we get those results of those tests but it won't change a thing. But choosing to worship Him can change a lot.
Who am I going to encounter at the store, the restaurant.
Am I going to be a light?
What can I do for my husband...Kailey...Zane...family....friends.
God see our past, forgives us and know what lies ahead.
Satan can only look behind and remind us of what we did wrong, what has been done to us. Yep, he can just stand behind me then because I need to receive the gift that God has granted me of peace and I can only do that if I am OPEN to receive it.
So what is with the title of this post anyway, I am sinking? well sometimes, is it starting to sink in I have cancer, yeah, kinda...but hopefully it's sinking in that I need to be shapeable, moldable, open to receive Him when all I feel like doing is shutting down. Maybe I am learning what it really means to worship?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
News
We got some "news" today. A REALLY good news, kinda not good news deal.
First, I will have to have another surgery, they don't believe they got all the cancer from the breast. BUT they do believe they got ALL the cancer from the lymph nodes and that it didn't go any further. So the next step is to meet with the oncologist and get a treatment plan figured out then decide on surgery based on that. That would be the time to ad the chemo port etc.
I am actually euphoric right now. I mean really, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone except family about this, not know if I was going to be fighting for my life.
THIS IS GOOD NEWS!
Yes, chemo is going to be hard on me, radiation is going to stink to go in each day. I might loose my hair. The holiday's this year are probably going to be hard. BUT I will most likely see Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate another anniversary with my wonderful husband next year! How does that song go...
"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between"
We have so many friends and family asking what they can do to help. Right now, we in a holding pattern on that. It will depend on when my treatments start, how sick I will be, surgery etc. We will be putting together a calendar where you can sign up to help out if you want. Another "blessing" from this is that John and Maralee (my outlaws :) are home from traveling for awhile, that is a big boost for us!
I have had some people also give us "advice" on what we should so. There are MANY resources we have used already to get through the maze of cancer. We plan on continue to use those resources and many more. Yes, we are planning on getting a second opinion on treatment, there will be tests to see if the cancer has spread any further etc, we really appreciate the love that people are showing us through this. THANK YOU!
First, I will have to have another surgery, they don't believe they got all the cancer from the breast. BUT they do believe they got ALL the cancer from the lymph nodes and that it didn't go any further. So the next step is to meet with the oncologist and get a treatment plan figured out then decide on surgery based on that. That would be the time to ad the chemo port etc.
I am actually euphoric right now. I mean really, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone except family about this, not know if I was going to be fighting for my life.
THIS IS GOOD NEWS!
Yes, chemo is going to be hard on me, radiation is going to stink to go in each day. I might loose my hair. The holiday's this year are probably going to be hard. BUT I will most likely see Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate another anniversary with my wonderful husband next year! How does that song go...
"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between"
We have so many friends and family asking what they can do to help. Right now, we in a holding pattern on that. It will depend on when my treatments start, how sick I will be, surgery etc. We will be putting together a calendar where you can sign up to help out if you want. Another "blessing" from this is that John and Maralee (my outlaws :) are home from traveling for awhile, that is a big boost for us!
I have had some people also give us "advice" on what we should so. There are MANY resources we have used already to get through the maze of cancer. We plan on continue to use those resources and many more. Yes, we are planning on getting a second opinion on treatment, there will be tests to see if the cancer has spread any further etc, we really appreciate the love that people are showing us through this. THANK YOU!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Food Therapy
Darin and I have been up and down emotionally since surgery. Just waiting to hear what treatment is going to be just makes us feel like we are in limbo, which we are, it just can't be helped. It hurts for me to type and harder to even think right now of what the road might be, chemo, how sick will I get, etc.I am planning on going to my MIL's to stay entertained tomorrow. This was tonight's therapy. BIG thank you to Tammy, Kailey's mom for this bacon, corned beef laden, gravy laden chicken with cheesy hash browns, corn, muffins and dessert. Oh my goodness, it was good and just the carb therapy we needed tonight. Topped off with a visit from my John and Maralee (Darin's parents) helped the evening fly by.
We will know more sometime this week, we hope, with the results from tests due back Tuesday and hopefully an appoint with the oncologist.
Also a trip to UNMC on Thursday for Zane to get a baseline, we found out this summer he has horseshoe kidney. Nothing serious but something that needs to be watched. He is a healthy and happy boy! He has been great about letting me sleep and Darin is awesome on keeping up on the housework and keeping him entertained (with a four wheeler ride so I could nap!) Please keep the prayers coming and we will know soon what we are going to be facing for sure and what help we need. Thanks so much! Love you all!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Support
One thing God has really shown me through the last week is how much a card, meal or a hug can mean to someone. When I get "better" I am going to be MUCH more deliberate on sending cards and showing people how much I care about them and how much I love them. I have yet to compile all the FB and email I have received. Humbled......
My "oldest" brother's family, Tim and Darla. Kids left to right is Brenna, Asa, Fulton and Graem
Cards received and put into a book!
A meal made by a family at church, The Koch's!
Supper brought over to us by the neighbors and good friends Joe and Christi Arnold. Christi's dad and Darin are partners with one of the trucks they run. Great people!
My "oldest" brother's family, Tim and Darla. Kids left to right is Brenna, Asa, Fulton and Graem
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Pink Out!
Wednesday nights at church have been a passion of mine for about five years. I love seeing the kids learn about Jesus and how much He loves them. We do a meal, worship service and classes for adults and youth. We have been invited someone to come speak at our church service each Wednesday night to give a testimony of something God has done in their life.
Turns out, tonight was the night that my dad came to speak. Darin, Dad, Nancy (my step mom) and I met outside and walked in together. When I walked into fellowship hall and I look around at everyone eating I realize that almost everyone is wearing pink or has a pink ribbon on their shirt or hat. It was so great! I had little ones coming up and hugging on me, hugs, questions and a few tears and a lot of "it's going to be ok", (it really is, regardless of what happens) It took my breath away. At the end of the service we circle up for prayer and they had so many prayer request for me they did a time of silent prayer for all those battling cancer and other illnesses then we passed the mic.
Please also let's pray for those that are battling cancer without support.
With my family, Living Word Church family, Free Church family, MOPS family, IHOP prayer room, Faith Lutheran church family and many other prayer warriors praying for me
I WILL BEAT THIS!
Turns out, tonight was the night that my dad came to speak. Darin, Dad, Nancy (my step mom) and I met outside and walked in together. When I walked into fellowship hall and I look around at everyone eating I realize that almost everyone is wearing pink or has a pink ribbon on their shirt or hat. It was so great! I had little ones coming up and hugging on me, hugs, questions and a few tears and a lot of "it's going to be ok", (it really is, regardless of what happens) It took my breath away. At the end of the service we circle up for prayer and they had so many prayer request for me they did a time of silent prayer for all those battling cancer and other illnesses then we passed the mic.
Please also let's pray for those that are battling cancer without support.
With my family, Living Word Church family, Free Church family, MOPS family, IHOP prayer room, Faith Lutheran church family and many other prayer warriors praying for me
I WILL BEAT THIS!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The story continues
A week ago.... I am at Bible Study at the Free Church, I have been going to the women's Bible study there for almost two years. It isn't my "home" church but I call Pastor Curt my "other pastor". I found this Bible Study group when I signed Zane up for Kindermusik that a member of our church had told us about. I met Jessica, I ended up getting getting put into a different class then we thought we were signing up for. The other class if full, I tell her I think that sometimes this happens for a reason so we just go with the class she has us in. Two weeks into the class, they tell me about MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) that meets at the church, asks me to come. They are having a food party. Woo hoo! I go, have a GREAT time and Dayna invites me to Bible Study that has child care. The first time I went I felt a strong presence from the Holy Spirit and have grown spiritually leaps and bounds since. More on this later....
Back to Bible study, we begin with prayer requests and then start reading in Exodus about the plagues, which is what we are studying. I get a call from a Lincoln number and have a pretty good idea who it is. I answer and it's Dr. G. My stomach does a flip. He asks me "So what happened yesterday" so I know he didn't get my message I left about the biopsy so he is checking in with me to let me know they will call with results right?
He says, lets talk, go find a place you can sit down and have privacy. He continues with "I really hate these calls but you do have cancer" WHAT? I start crying, not even sure what he is saying. I remember, hearing surgery...radiation...treatable...early. WHAT? Who are we talking about? I need to call Darin, right away...Dr G says that a nurse will call me later when it has sunk in more, call him personally if I need to talk.
I went back next door to the group and totally break down. They cry with me and pray over me. Give me words of wisdom and hope. Joan (Pastor Curt's wife) takes me to go find a pastor to help me call Darin. Pastor Curt is out of the building, Pastor Myer is on the phone, Pastor Dan is available. Joan tells him the situation and we talk and pray and he helps me call Darin. Pastor Lowell comes in, with Nan, his wife who is a breast cancer survivor. (did I mention God is very detailed). Nan tells me that they wouldn't change a thing of what they have been through Exactly what I needed to hear!!! They leave, Pastor Dan and I are figuring out what I should do next, Darin is in Weeping Water getting a load and won't be home for an hour.
I call one of my dearest friends, Shawn, tell her over the phone, something I really hated to do. We both cry more, then I hear in the hallway that Pastor is there, I am thinking Pastor Curt came back, no it's Pastor Jim, the pastor from our church. Pastor Curt had talked to Joan then he stopped Pastor Jim in the parking lot where they were meeting for the Ministerial Association in Seward. My in-laws pastor is there and they can share with him too so he can be prepared. The sight of Pastor Jim makes me break down again and I am passed from Pastor Dan to Pastor Jim. He prays with me, gets me figured out what to do about getting Zane and getting to Shawn's house. I get to preschool (a Christian organization) and go right to director's office. Two weeks before she had given her testimony at a Wednesday night service at our home church. I share with her the news, more words of hope and she tells me that if needed they have an unusual situation of extra room if Zane needs extended care. That put my mind at ease though at the time I didn't realize the outpouring of support that would be offered to help watch Zane. Zane and I head to Shawn's house where we wait until Darin gets home. I will post another time how God has blessed me with Shawn. VERY cool story!
Back to Bible study, we begin with prayer requests and then start reading in Exodus about the plagues, which is what we are studying. I get a call from a Lincoln number and have a pretty good idea who it is. I answer and it's Dr. G. My stomach does a flip. He asks me "So what happened yesterday" so I know he didn't get my message I left about the biopsy so he is checking in with me to let me know they will call with results right?
He says, lets talk, go find a place you can sit down and have privacy. He continues with "I really hate these calls but you do have cancer" WHAT? I start crying, not even sure what he is saying. I remember, hearing surgery...radiation...treatable...early. WHAT? Who are we talking about? I need to call Darin, right away...Dr G says that a nurse will call me later when it has sunk in more, call him personally if I need to talk.
I went back next door to the group and totally break down. They cry with me and pray over me. Give me words of wisdom and hope. Joan (Pastor Curt's wife) takes me to go find a pastor to help me call Darin. Pastor Curt is out of the building, Pastor Myer is on the phone, Pastor Dan is available. Joan tells him the situation and we talk and pray and he helps me call Darin. Pastor Lowell comes in, with Nan, his wife who is a breast cancer survivor. (did I mention God is very detailed). Nan tells me that they wouldn't change a thing of what they have been through Exactly what I needed to hear!!! They leave, Pastor Dan and I are figuring out what I should do next, Darin is in Weeping Water getting a load and won't be home for an hour.
I call one of my dearest friends, Shawn, tell her over the phone, something I really hated to do. We both cry more, then I hear in the hallway that Pastor is there, I am thinking Pastor Curt came back, no it's Pastor Jim, the pastor from our church. Pastor Curt had talked to Joan then he stopped Pastor Jim in the parking lot where they were meeting for the Ministerial Association in Seward. My in-laws pastor is there and they can share with him too so he can be prepared. The sight of Pastor Jim makes me break down again and I am passed from Pastor Dan to Pastor Jim. He prays with me, gets me figured out what to do about getting Zane and getting to Shawn's house. I get to preschool (a Christian organization) and go right to director's office. Two weeks before she had given her testimony at a Wednesday night service at our home church. I share with her the news, more words of hope and she tells me that if needed they have an unusual situation of extra room if Zane needs extended care. That put my mind at ease though at the time I didn't realize the outpouring of support that would be offered to help watch Zane. Zane and I head to Shawn's house where we wait until Darin gets home. I will post another time how God has blessed me with Shawn. VERY cool story!
Update on Surgery
Surgery is at 11:00am on Friday. I will be staying overnight. Please be praying for pain relief for me. I guess when they inject the radiation, I am not under yet and it can be quite painful.
My sister will be watching Zane, probably with his cousins and will have a blast that day. From what I understand, many women go back to work on Monday after the surgery. We are supposed to know the results of the test on Tuesday.
My sister will be watching Zane, probably with his cousins and will have a blast that day. From what I understand, many women go back to work on Monday after the surgery. We are supposed to know the results of the test on Tuesday.
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